One of the basic components to any good theme park is thrill rides. The House of Pain will be no different. I want the tallest plunges, the fastest coasters, and the highest bungee jumping around. I want the worlds first roller coaster that positions riders upside down, suspended by their ankles while they're flung around like rag dolls. I want people to have to sign medical release forms before they even get into the park. We'll have paramedics on duty at all times, but only to add to the show of danger. Everything will be entirely safe, of course.
As for food, the hotter the better. The food stands at House of Pain will serve hot wings, nachos with extra jalapeños and BBQ sandwiches covered in sauce that makes your eyes water. In addition, the drinks will never be served at the same stands as food. In fact, I'll place all the drink stands in hard to locate, distant corners of the park. If you overestimate your tolerance for spicy foods, you'll have the added adventure of having to locate a frozen lemonade stand. Also, hot wings will only cost 25 cents each, but a bottle of water will set you back $10.
It might seem redundant to have a haunted house at a place like this, but ours will be a little different. Of course, there will be things jumping out when you least expect it, but we won't have any gory, violent imagery. Zombies and vampires are blase. Instead, we'll feature things you should really be scared of. My house of horrors will feature pictures of skin diseases and surprise encounters with middle aged hookers in tube tops. At the very end you'll be accosted with creepy photoshopped images of really improbable things like a lamprey's mouth superimposed onto the tip of someone's finger.*
To put the icing on the cake, I'm going to take the overall discomfort to a whole new level. This theme park will be impeccably clean, but the smell will be excruciating. Have you ever walked down Bourbon Street in New Orleans or perhaps Beale Street in Memphis? You know that aroma when it gets really hot and you can smell the humid fumes from last night's debauchery? It's a mixture of alcohol and urine and vomit. We're going to have vents that pump that smell into the park. I'm thinking we should even have aroma themes for different areas of the park. One area might give you the Beale Street experience. Another area will reek of skunks and we might even have a "fart zone" for the truly daring. The aroma vents will be clearly marked and you'll win a prize if you can stand directly in front of one of them for longer than 90 seconds.
This idea is still in development, but you can see that I've already got a pretty solid plan in the works. If you're interested in investing in the House of Pain, please let me know. I'm also accepting ideas for additional attractions that might go well with the theme. Do you think people would stand in line to get maced? In any case, I always imagined that if I owned a theme park, I would go there every weekend and skip to the front of lines or get free food. However, if this idea pans out, I'll probably just spend my weekends at home rolling around in all the money I'm going to make. All that wonderful, stinking money.
* Please do not google that unless you really think you can handle it. I thought I could, but after seeing it, I couldn't touch anything for days without thinking about it. You have been warned!
